Ramblings From a Flawed Christ Follower

Limited vs. Limitless

2011-04-27T14:44:00.010-05:00

NOTE: I meant to post this a couple of months ago after the event I am talking about occurred; suffice it to say it took this long for me to make the time to sit down and do it.

Spent part of a Saturday a couple of months ago in a large room full of children (perhaps 50) available for adoption. The kids ranged in age from probably 2 to 16, of various ethnicities and combinations of ethnicities. As my wife and I wandered the room, engaging various children as opportunities arose, my heart broke for them. These are the fatherless of which the Bible speaks, which we the people of God are called to care for and about.

The ones that were really saddening were the older kids, the ones who had obviously attended events like this many times before; jaded was definitely a word that came to mind for several of them. For these kids, it was like they were protecting themselves from the pain of potentially having no one talk to them -- because they aren't one of the "cute little kids" anymore -- by putting up a front of disinterest, boredom, or even near-sullenness. Unfortunately, for much of the day these jaded ones were right -- very few potential families engaged the teenagers. It was difficult to watch, even as I realized that I was part of the problem too -- I wasn't engaging them either for the most part. So I'm indicting myself here as well and not just others.

But there was one boy that was a notable exception to the protective fronting. He was 16 years old, possibly the oldest available for adoption in the room. Rather than coming across as jaded, he seemed almost desperate. It was like he heard the ticking of the clock, the time running out before he ages out of the system as an unadopted orphan. Rather than waiting around for them to maybe (probably not) speak to him, he was taking the initiative and approaching families to engage of his own accord. He was very direct with his questions, such as (paraphrasing) "Are you willing to adopt a 16-year-old? Like me?". At the end of the afternoon, he even gave us the business card of his caseworker. Wow. I won't soon forget him.

But the thing that struck me most that day in regards to all of the kids, and one of the foremost thoughts on my mind as we were leaving, was my own limits. Every kid that we did and did not interact with in that room is precious to God. Every one of them, no matter how "screwed up" or "troubled" they are, deserves an earthly family and a fair shake at a "normal" future. And I enjoyed my time on at least some level with every single one of them with which we interacted. But, for most if not all of them, I will not get to be their forever dad. Even if we were financially and otherwise able, and allowed, to adopt every single kid that was there that day, the sheer inertia of the system would be such that we would run out of time to try and do so before many of them aged out and the chance was lost. It is just humanly impossible for my wife and me to adopt them all.

Which leads me to one of the other thoughts that was foremost on my mind as we were leaving that day: God can.

Thank God that He has no such limits when it comes to adopting humans into His family. All these years later, it still boggles my mind that He saw fit to adopt me. To be clear, it wasn't because there was anything special about me that made me deserving of adoption -- it was because it pleased Him to do so for His own glory. That's a tall order to live up to, and I try and fail every day to live in a way that would bring Him glory.

But back to adoption. As an old hymn says, "There's room at the Cross for you. Though millions have come, there's still room for one, yes there's room at the Cross for you." He has adopted so so many into His family, but He desires for ALL to become part of His family. But unlike my desire to adopt all of the orphans I encounter, He can actually DO it. And that is literally awesome and humbling. I serve a big, limitless God, Who is able to follow through perfectly on every promise He makes. "Whosoever comes" WILL be adopted into His family.

Praise God.

Do We Really Mean It?

2010-08-04T13:14:00.016-05:00

"I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why,

No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what."

--Lyrics from "No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts

So I had an interesting juxtaposition in the last 24 hours. On my way home from work last night, I heard the above song for the first time on KSBJ, the local Christian radio station here in Houston. (I've gotten to where I don't listen to the radio much anymore, so I'll admit that I'm probably late to the party on hearing it.) I must say that it bothered me a little, especially the lines in the chorus that state "No matter what, I'm gonna love You" and "I'll trust You, no matter what". Human love and trust are not unconditional, they're just not -- unfortunately not even towards our Creator. But I think I understand the sentiment the artist is trying to express with the song as a whole, and since I certainly don't know what difficult paths she might have walked in her life I'll refrain from being too critical. I just respectfully disagree with the choice of lyrics in a couple of parts of the song and wouldn't use them myself if I ever had the opportunity to write another song.

Fast-forward to this morning, the song long-forgotten. I'm reading through Hosea right now in my quiet times, now that I've finally started doing them consistently again. As a refresher for those who don't necessarily have total recall of the Minor Prophets (is there really such a thing as a minor prophet?), Hosea is the one that God told to go and marry a prostitute (named Gomer) and have children with her, as a living example of the unfaithfulness of Israel towards the Lord. Of course, there are lots of other examples in the Bible where God asks someone to do something really, really hard -- Abraham sacrificing Isaac, Jonah going to Ninevah, Ezekiel with many different activities to illustrate God's commands and words to the people, even the disciples leaving everything they've ever known to follow Jesus -- but Hosea ranks right up there with Joseph marrying a pregnant virgin for sheer humiliation factor in my opinion. (Note: Christ's suffering obviously trumps them all; I'm talking humiliation levels for the "rest of us".)

Let me explain. I think it's safe to say that most people don't like the idea of being made to look like a fool; but for a man, staying with a woman that appears to be actively sleeping around on you while you know about it and are seemingly incapable of stopping it is probably one of the most humiliating experiences they could endure. In today's secular society, this might end in divorce; back in Old Testament Jewish culture, it was grounds for stoning of the woman if the man so chose. For our sakes, thank God that He caused Joseph to be able to bear that humiliation with dignity and grace far beyond what any human is capable of and refrain from having Mary stoned. Indeed, Joseph adopted the resulting Child and raised Him as his own, thus fulfilling prophesy and helping enable the path of salvation for all; but that's another blog post.

As for Hosea, well, his humiliation was ordained to be perhaps more excruciating. Check out Hosea chapter 3, verses 1-3, NAS translation:

¹Then the LORD said to me, "Go again, love a woman who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress, even as the LORD loves the sons of Israel, though they turn to other gods and love raisin cakes." ²So I bought her for myself for fifteen shekels of silver and a homer and a half of barley. ³Then I said to her, "You shall stay with me for many days. You shall not play the harlot, nor shall you have a man; so I will also be toward you."

Read it again. Who is the woman? Gomer, Hosea's wife. What is he told to do? Go get her and bring her back home. How does he end up having to do it? By purchasing her, purchasing her "services" as those of a prostitute. Because, well, she was. She had left her family -- a loving husband and three children -- and returned to her old line of work!

Do you think the people in the nearest village or town didn't know she had been a prostitute, and that she had returned to that line of work because she apparently wanted it worse than she wanted her life with her husband and children? Do you think they didn't know that not only did Hosea take her back, but that he went out searching for her, found her, and purchased her to bring her back home, seemingly of his own free will? I can only imagine the murmurings, crude remarks, smirks, etc. that were directed at Hosea either to his face or behind his back; after all, gossip and verbal cruelty towards each other wasn't invented yesterday.

For some reason, this passage hit me really hard this morning. Putting myself in Hosea's shoes (sorry -- sandals), I can't imagine what he must have been thinking as God told him to do this. Can you imagine going in to a brothel looking for your wife, who is working there by choice, and having to negotiate a price with her in order for her to leave with you to come back home? He would have been considered fully justified by the culture of the day if he had refused what he knew to be God's command and instead dragged her out to be stoned. Many Christians nowadays would likewise feel fully justified in serving her with divorce papers on the spot rather than submitting to God's command to keep marriage sacred (even though she wasn't) and work to try to save the relationship somehow.

But that's not what Hosea did. He obeyed his God when commanded to endure some of the worst possible humiliation, in order to illustrate to a stiff-necked people (God's term for them, not mine) how God felt when they turned to idols rather than Him. Could I do the same?

Contemplating this question is what brought the song I opened this post with back to mind. Can I honestly say I will love Him no matter what? Trust Him no matter what? I would like to think so, as I've been through some hard times in the past and ultimately came through them stronger -- but there were definitely some times in there where I felt very lonely and abandoned by God. But what if He told me to be a parent to a severely disabled (perhaps terminal) child? What if He told me to go childless, when I so strongly desire and look forward to someday being a father? Or what about going to what I know to be a certain death on the mission field in a country that is violently hostile to Christians -- or worse, leading my wife and possibly children into the same death trap? Or to bring it back around to Hosea, what if I was told by Him to swallow my pride and reconcile with a spouse that has been unfaithful in the past, is currently unfaithful, and will likely be unfaithful in the future? (Thankfully this last question is purely hypothetical for me!) Would I still trust that His plans are the best plans for my life, and that I should do what He says? If I did obey, would I do it out of love for Him, or out of grudging fear of what would happen if I didn't?

So my conclusion is that in my own flawed humanness I just can't say in all honesty that I will love and trust Him no matter what. Only through strength given by His Spirit is it possible for any of us in my opinion. Thus, I think I better pass on singing along with Ms. Roberts in order for my conscience to stay clear before my God: before I say "no matter what", I want to be sure I mean it -- and I can't be in and of myself.

Man of God

2009-12-03T10:16:00.004-06:00

This song by Audio Adrenaline pretty much sums me up right now...

Sometimes I'm a liar, sometimes I'm a fake;
Sometimes I'm a hypocrite everybody hates.
Sometimes I'm a poet, sometimes I'm a preacher;
Sometimes I watch life go by sitting on the bleachers.

But I've never been left alone in any problem that I've known,
Even though I'm to blame.
There were times when things were dark,
And I've been known to miss the mark.
But Someone fixed my aim!

Sometimes I'm a man of God,
Sometimes I'm alright.
Sometimes I just lay down close my eyes
And pray to God --

Sometimes I don't feel good, it's hard to start the day;
It's hard to climb the obstacles that sometimes come my way.
If I make it, I'm a good man -- am I a bad man if I fail?
I know I'm never good enough
So I let grace prevail.

But I've never been left alone in any problem that I've known,
Even though I'm to blame.
There were times when things were dark,
And I've been known to miss the mark.
But Someone fixed my aim!

Sometimes I'm a man of God,
Sometimes I'm alright.
Sometimes I just lay down close my eyes
And pray to God -- I'm ready for the night.

Right now, I'm alright.
Right now, I'm alright.
Right now -- I'm alright.
I'm alright, I'm alright.
Thank God, thank God!

'Cause sometimes I'm a man of God,
Sometimes I'm alright.
Sometimes I just lay down close my eyes
And pray to God -- I'm ready for the night.

Loneliness

2009-11-23T12:57:00.005-06:00

Loneliness is a funny thing. Like how you can be in a crowded theater on a Saturday afternoon with the love of your life, and still feel dissociated and disconnected from everything and everyone around you. (And for the record, this was NOT to see New Moon, but rather Blind Side. Good movie, you should see it.) I've been feeling lonely a lot lately, whether at work surrounded by busy co-workers while I struggle to complete even the most simple of tasks, or whether at home spending quality time with my best friend and lover. Not to mention during Sunday morning worship, when I just don't feel like making the effort to reach out to others, but I try to anyway since I am a church leader and it's the "right thing to do".

The cause? Well, depression of course. I don't use that term lightly, and I am quite familiar with the feelings it brings, since I have struggled with it for over a decade. Thankfully this latest flare-up is just a mild "bluesy" spell and not an actual full-blown depressive episode. But it's still hard to feel very excited about life lately, which is probably hard for some to understand. After all, I have much to live for and be excited about. But, depression isn't rational or logical, and glosses over the good to magnify the bad. This is of course especially frustrating for an engineer like me, who basically lives and dies by logic. But, it's something I have had to live with -- perhaps it's my "thorn in the flesh".

Anyway, the reason for my writing this today is not to look for pity or solicit/guilt encouragement from my loved ones. I just wanted to write to share one of the few things that has really penetrated the fog lately (to her credit, most of the rest of them have been good memories made with my wife, whether it be acting silly together -- thank God we can still do this -- or sharing a simple date night). It's a Psalm that Jason mentioned in passing in his sermon yesterday. Honestly, while the message in general was a good one as usual, it didn't really connect with me as deeply as this one passage did (sorry Jason -- God still used your message to reach me, just not in the expected way!), which was not even directly used in the sermon but was one I saw as I looked at the context for the verses Jason did use. Thank God He reminded me of it -- it's been too long since I've read it, and it hit me so powerfully that I was reduced to tears as I absorbed it. From Psalm 139, NASB translation:

¹O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
²You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
³You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
⁴Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
⁵You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
⁷Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
⁹If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
¹⁰Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
¹¹If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"
¹²Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
¹³For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
¹⁴I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
¹⁶Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
¹⁷How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.

²³Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
²⁴And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.

What an awesome God we serve. What a comfort that He knows and understands exactly how I am feeling right now, when I have been struggling for weeks with finding the words to describe it even to myself. And no matter how lonely I feel, or where I am, He is there too -- loving me, caring for me, desiring His best for me, no matter what I feel like or think about Him or anything/anyone else. Thank you, Father.

Wow, God is good...

2009-07-30T21:47:00.003-05:00

I know, I know...so much for updating this approximately weekly. But something happened tonight that I had to write about -- I guess it was a kick in the pants in that way too, besides just being humbling...

I had the awesome privilege of welcoming a new Believer into the fold tonight. Knowing that I did absolutely nothing to deserve the honor of being the reaper of so many other peoples' hard work just makes it even more humbling.

Quick background: this has been VBS week at Southway. We partnered with a local church plant (called Southpoint interestingly enough) to put it on this year. Tonight was the night that the Gospel was shared with the kids. I have 8 boys and girls in my Crew, ranging from going into 1st grade, to going into 5th. We go everywhere with a co-Crew, which also has about the same number of kids of the same age range. One of the boys in the co-Crew, Joshua, actually started in mine the first night and got transferred to the other one on the 2nd night. He's really quiet, kind of a thinker, and honestly I haven't really been able to interact with him much this week -- especially since he's been in the other Crew for most of it. If I had to guess, I would say he's about 7 or 8 years old. Oh, and he's from Southpoint, so I had never met him before Monday night.

Well, tonight during the final assembly, when the Gospel was shared for the third time of the night, in the clearest way yet (classic 4 points -- 2 of bad news, 2 of good news), I felt a little person scooting over close beside me. I looked down, and it was Joshua. As everything was wrapping up, I noticed that he was crying. Before I could even really ask what was wrong, he told me that he knew he wasn't going to heaven. I asked how he knew, and he said because of what the man had just said. I pulled him over to the side to have a little more of a private setting to be able to talk with him, and confirmed that he understood everything he needed to (multiple times -- call me Doubting Thomas) -- that he was a sinner, that because of that he could never be good enough or do enough on his own to "qualify" for heaven, but that Jesus lived a perfect life, took on all of our sin and died for it and us, and then rose again so that we could have life too, and that if he believed all of that and asked God to save him, God would. Then, I asked him what he wanted to do about it. He said that he wanted to believe. So, I explained to him how to ask Jesus into his heart. We prayed together silently, I welcomed him with some encouraging words and a hug, and then I got to tell his mom.

Then, I pretty much burst into tears because of the overwhelming emotions of the evening. It was a hard night. I didn't feel like anyone in either Crew was really listening during any of the three times the Gospel was shared with them. They were fidgety, loud, horseplaying, irreverent, etc., much more so than any other night of the week so far. But, as usual God was at work even when I couldn't see it. The one from our Crews that He had appointed for salvation tonight apparently was listening.

Wow. I'm drained. And humbled. Thank you God for using me in that little boy's life tonight. I don't know why You chose me, especially since I pretty much barely know him, but thank You for doing so...just wow.

Something New

2009-06-17T11:53:00.004-05:00

Well, here goes. I'm trying something new; trying to stretch myself a little, trying to be more transparent about what's going on in my Inner Universe. Honestly, I'm not sure exactly what this space is going to end up becoming. At the outset, my desire is that this will be a place of depth and realness and of glory to God above all else. I am envisioning this as an outlet, where I can write about what God is teaching me and showing me. Honestly, it has been far too long since I have allowed, or made, myself do that. So, I guess you could consider this a bit of a returning to a past spiritual discipline, using a newer technological option to do so. I'm definitely scared to death, in a good way, because of the public-ness of doing it in this forum. But, it seems like what God is calling me to do for this season of my life, and I want to be faithful to that.

Anyway, that's what is and will be going on here, God willing. As for what exact shape all of it takes -- well, let's find out, shall we? :)