This song by Audio Adrenaline pretty much sums me up right now...
Sometimes I'm a liar, sometimes I'm a fake;
Sometimes I'm a hypocrite everybody hates.
Sometimes I'm a poet, sometimes I'm a preacher;
Sometimes I watch life go by sitting on the bleachers.
But I've never been left alone in any problem that I've known,
Even though I'm to blame.
There were times when things were dark,
And I've been known to miss the mark.
But Someone fixed my aim!
Sometimes I'm a man of God,
Sometimes I'm alright.
Sometimes I just lay down close my eyes
And pray to God --
Sometimes I don't feel good, it's hard to start the day;
It's hard to climb the obstacles that sometimes come my way.
If I make it, I'm a good man -- am I a bad man if I fail?
I know I'm never good enough
So I let grace prevail.
But I've never been left alone in any problem that I've known,
Even though I'm to blame.
There were times when things were dark,
And I've been known to miss the mark.
But Someone fixed my aim!
Sometimes I'm a man of God,
Sometimes I'm alright.
Sometimes I just lay down close my eyes
And pray to God -- I'm ready for the night.
Right now, I'm alright.
Right now, I'm alright.
Right now -- I'm alright.
I'm alright, I'm alright.
Thank God, thank God!
'Cause sometimes I'm a man of God,
Sometimes I'm alright.
Sometimes I just lay down close my eyes
And pray to God -- I'm ready for the night.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Loneliness
Loneliness is a funny thing. Like how you can be in a crowded theater on a Saturday afternoon with the love of your life, and still feel dissociated and disconnected from everything and everyone around you. (And for the record, this was NOT to see New Moon, but rather Blind Side. Good movie, you should see it.) I've been feeling lonely a lot lately, whether at work surrounded by busy co-workers while I struggle to complete even the most simple of tasks, or whether at home spending quality time with my best friend and lover. Not to mention during Sunday morning worship, when I just don't feel like making the effort to reach out to others, but I try to anyway since I am a church leader and it's the "right thing to do".
The cause? Well, depression of course. I don't use that term lightly, and I am quite familiar with the feelings it brings, since I have struggled with it for over a decade. Thankfully this latest flare-up is just a mild "bluesy" spell and not an actual full-blown depressive episode. But it's still hard to feel very excited about life lately, which is probably hard for some to understand. After all, I have much to live for and be excited about. But, depression isn't rational or logical, and glosses over the good to magnify the bad. This is of course especially frustrating for an engineer like me, who basically lives and dies by logic. But, it's something I have had to live with -- perhaps it's my "thorn in the flesh".
Anyway, the reason for my writing this today is not to look for pity or solicit/guilt encouragement from my loved ones. I just wanted to write to share one of the few things that has really penetrated the fog lately (to her credit, most of the rest of them have been good memories made with my wife, whether it be acting silly together -- thank God we can still do this -- or sharing a simple date night). It's a Psalm that Jason mentioned in passing in his sermon yesterday. Honestly, while the message in general was a good one as usual, it didn't really connect with me as deeply as this one passage did (sorry Jason -- God still used your message to reach me, just not in the expected way!), which was not even directly used in the sermon but was one I saw as I looked at the context for the verses Jason did use. Thank God He reminded me of it -- it's been too long since I've read it, and it hit me so powerfully that I was reduced to tears as I absorbed it. From Psalm 139, NASB translation:
1O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
5You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"
12Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
14I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
23Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
What an awesome God we serve. What a comfort that He knows and understands exactly how I am feeling right now, when I have been struggling for weeks with finding the words to describe it even to myself. And no matter how lonely I feel, or where I am, He is there too -- loving me, caring for me, desiring His best for me, no matter what I feel like or think about Him or anything/anyone else. Thank you, Father.
The cause? Well, depression of course. I don't use that term lightly, and I am quite familiar with the feelings it brings, since I have struggled with it for over a decade. Thankfully this latest flare-up is just a mild "bluesy" spell and not an actual full-blown depressive episode. But it's still hard to feel very excited about life lately, which is probably hard for some to understand. After all, I have much to live for and be excited about. But, depression isn't rational or logical, and glosses over the good to magnify the bad. This is of course especially frustrating for an engineer like me, who basically lives and dies by logic. But, it's something I have had to live with -- perhaps it's my "thorn in the flesh".
Anyway, the reason for my writing this today is not to look for pity or solicit/guilt encouragement from my loved ones. I just wanted to write to share one of the few things that has really penetrated the fog lately (to her credit, most of the rest of them have been good memories made with my wife, whether it be acting silly together -- thank God we can still do this -- or sharing a simple date night). It's a Psalm that Jason mentioned in passing in his sermon yesterday. Honestly, while the message in general was a good one as usual, it didn't really connect with me as deeply as this one passage did (sorry Jason -- God still used your message to reach me, just not in the expected way!), which was not even directly used in the sermon but was one I saw as I looked at the context for the verses Jason did use. Thank God He reminded me of it -- it's been too long since I've read it, and it hit me so powerfully that I was reduced to tears as I absorbed it. From Psalm 139, NASB translation:
1O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
5You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"
12Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
14I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
23Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
What an awesome God we serve. What a comfort that He knows and understands exactly how I am feeling right now, when I have been struggling for weeks with finding the words to describe it even to myself. And no matter how lonely I feel, or where I am, He is there too -- loving me, caring for me, desiring His best for me, no matter what I feel like or think about Him or anything/anyone else. Thank you, Father.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wow, God is good...
I know, I know...so much for updating this approximately weekly. But something happened tonight that I had to write about -- I guess it was a kick in the pants in that way too, besides just being humbling...
I had the awesome privilege of welcoming a new Believer into the fold tonight. Knowing that I did absolutely nothing to deserve the honor of being the reaper of so many other peoples' hard work just makes it even more humbling.
Quick background: this has been VBS week at Southway. We partnered with a local church plant (called Southpoint interestingly enough) to put it on this year. Tonight was the night that the Gospel was shared with the kids. I have 8 boys and girls in my Crew, ranging from going into 1st grade, to going into 5th. We go everywhere with a co-Crew, which also has about the same number of kids of the same age range. One of the boys in the co-Crew, Joshua, actually started in mine the first night and got transferred to the other one on the 2nd night. He's really quiet, kind of a thinker, and honestly I haven't really been able to interact with him much this week -- especially since he's been in the other Crew for most of it. If I had to guess, I would say he's about 7 or 8 years old. Oh, and he's from Southpoint, so I had never met him before Monday night.
Well, tonight during the final assembly, when the Gospel was shared for the third time of the night, in the clearest way yet (classic 4 points -- 2 of bad news, 2 of good news), I felt a little person scooting over close beside me. I looked down, and it was Joshua. As everything was wrapping up, I noticed that he was crying. Before I could even really ask what was wrong, he told me that he knew he wasn't going to heaven. I asked how he knew, and he said because of what the man had just said. I pulled him over to the side to have a little more of a private setting to be able to talk with him, and confirmed that he understood everything he needed to (multiple times -- call me Doubting Thomas) -- that he was a sinner, that because of that he could never be good enough or do enough on his own to "qualify" for heaven, but that Jesus lived a perfect life, took on all of our sin and died for it and us, and then rose again so that we could have life too, and that if he believed all of that and asked God to save him, God would. Then, I asked him what he wanted to do about it. He said that he wanted to believe. So, I explained to him how to ask Jesus into his heart. We prayed together silently, I welcomed him with some encouraging words and a hug, and then I got to tell his mom.
Then, I pretty much burst into tears because of the overwhelming emotions of the evening. It was a hard night. I didn't feel like anyone in either Crew was really listening during any of the three times the Gospel was shared with them. They were fidgety, loud, horseplaying, irreverent, etc., much more so than any other night of the week so far. But, as usual God was at work even when I couldn't see it. The one from our Crews that He had appointed for salvation tonight apparently was listening.
Wow. I'm drained. And humbled. Thank you God for using me in that little boy's life tonight. I don't know why You chose me, especially since I pretty much barely know him, but thank You for doing so...just wow.
I had the awesome privilege of welcoming a new Believer into the fold tonight. Knowing that I did absolutely nothing to deserve the honor of being the reaper of so many other peoples' hard work just makes it even more humbling.
Quick background: this has been VBS week at Southway. We partnered with a local church plant (called Southpoint interestingly enough) to put it on this year. Tonight was the night that the Gospel was shared with the kids. I have 8 boys and girls in my Crew, ranging from going into 1st grade, to going into 5th. We go everywhere with a co-Crew, which also has about the same number of kids of the same age range. One of the boys in the co-Crew, Joshua, actually started in mine the first night and got transferred to the other one on the 2nd night. He's really quiet, kind of a thinker, and honestly I haven't really been able to interact with him much this week -- especially since he's been in the other Crew for most of it. If I had to guess, I would say he's about 7 or 8 years old. Oh, and he's from Southpoint, so I had never met him before Monday night.
Well, tonight during the final assembly, when the Gospel was shared for the third time of the night, in the clearest way yet (classic 4 points -- 2 of bad news, 2 of good news), I felt a little person scooting over close beside me. I looked down, and it was Joshua. As everything was wrapping up, I noticed that he was crying. Before I could even really ask what was wrong, he told me that he knew he wasn't going to heaven. I asked how he knew, and he said because of what the man had just said. I pulled him over to the side to have a little more of a private setting to be able to talk with him, and confirmed that he understood everything he needed to (multiple times -- call me Doubting Thomas) -- that he was a sinner, that because of that he could never be good enough or do enough on his own to "qualify" for heaven, but that Jesus lived a perfect life, took on all of our sin and died for it and us, and then rose again so that we could have life too, and that if he believed all of that and asked God to save him, God would. Then, I asked him what he wanted to do about it. He said that he wanted to believe. So, I explained to him how to ask Jesus into his heart. We prayed together silently, I welcomed him with some encouraging words and a hug, and then I got to tell his mom.
Then, I pretty much burst into tears because of the overwhelming emotions of the evening. It was a hard night. I didn't feel like anyone in either Crew was really listening during any of the three times the Gospel was shared with them. They were fidgety, loud, horseplaying, irreverent, etc., much more so than any other night of the week so far. But, as usual God was at work even when I couldn't see it. The one from our Crews that He had appointed for salvation tonight apparently was listening.
Wow. I'm drained. And humbled. Thank you God for using me in that little boy's life tonight. I don't know why You chose me, especially since I pretty much barely know him, but thank You for doing so...just wow.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Something New
Well, here goes. I'm trying something new; trying to stretch myself a little, trying to be more transparent about what's going on in my Inner Universe. Honestly, I'm not sure exactly what this space is going to end up becoming. At the outset, my desire is that this will be a place of depth and realness and of glory to God above all else. I am envisioning this as an outlet, where I can write about what God is teaching me and showing me. Honestly, it has been far too long since I have allowed, or made, myself do that. So, I guess you could consider this a bit of a returning to a past spiritual discipline, using a newer technological option to do so. I'm definitely scared to death, in a good way, because of the public-ness of doing it in this forum. But, it seems like what God is calling me to do for this season of my life, and I want to be faithful to that.
Anyway, that's what is and will be going on here, God willing. As for what exact shape all of it takes -- well, let's find out, shall we? :)
Anyway, that's what is and will be going on here, God willing. As for what exact shape all of it takes -- well, let's find out, shall we? :)
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