Loneliness

Loneliness is a funny thing. Like how you can be in a crowded theater on a Saturday afternoon with the love of your life, and still feel dissociated and disconnected from everything and everyone around you. (And for the record, this was NOT to see New Moon, but rather Blind Side. Good movie, you should see it.) I've been feeling lonely a lot lately, whether at work surrounded by busy co-workers while I struggle to complete even the most simple of tasks, or whether at home spending quality time with my best friend and lover. Not to mention during Sunday morning worship, when I just don't feel like making the effort to reach out to others, but I try to anyway since I am a church leader and it's the "right thing to do".

The cause? Well, depression of course. I don't use that term lightly, and I am quite familiar with the feelings it brings, since I have struggled with it for over a decade. Thankfully this latest flare-up is just a mild "bluesy" spell and not an actual full-blown depressive episode. But it's still hard to feel very excited about life lately, which is probably hard for some to understand. After all, I have much to live for and be excited about. But, depression isn't rational or logical, and glosses over the good to magnify the bad. This is of course especially frustrating for an engineer like me, who basically lives and dies by logic. But, it's something I have had to live with -- perhaps it's my "thorn in the flesh".

Anyway, the reason for my writing this today is not to look for pity or solicit/guilt encouragement from my loved ones. I just wanted to write to share one of the few things that has really penetrated the fog lately (to her credit, most of the rest of them have been good memories made with my wife, whether it be acting silly together -- thank God we can still do this -- or sharing a simple date night). It's a Psalm that Jason mentioned in passing in his sermon yesterday. Honestly, while the message in general was a good one as usual, it didn't really connect with me as deeply as this one passage did (sorry Jason -- God still used your message to reach me, just not in the expected way!), which was not even directly used in the sermon but was one I saw as I looked at the context for the verses Jason did use. Thank God He reminded me of it -- it's been too long since I've read it, and it hit me so powerfully that I was reduced to tears as I absorbed it. From Psalm 139, NASB translation:

¹O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
²You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
³You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
⁴Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
⁵You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
⁷Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
⁹If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
¹⁰Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
¹¹If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"
¹²Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
¹³For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
¹⁴I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
¹⁶Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
¹⁷How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.

²³Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
²⁴And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.


What an awesome God we serve. What a comfort that He knows and understands exactly how I am feeling right now, when I have been struggling for weeks with finding the words to describe it even to myself. And no matter how lonely I feel, or where I am, He is there too -- loving me, caring for me, desiring His best for me, no matter what I feel like or think about Him or anything/anyone else. Thank you, Father.